My awareness of God's goodness has exploded. He has invaded my very being and my life has been forever altered. I became a Christian at a very young age, but I have lived a dead, dry, painful life for over 25 years. My perspective of God and my relationship with him was completely skewed and broken. I spent a lifetime crying out and wondering why God never heard me, never responded. I did everything I was supposed to, church, singing, obligatory bible reading, etc. Isn't that what we as good Christians are supposed to do? I put Him in a lovely religious box, the whole time pretending that I wasn't one of the religious ones. My heart had become a stale, cobweb covered, block of clay.
But, the beauty of clay is that it can be worked. I came to a point where my striving broke me apart and I gave up. Gave up on formulas, and strategies. Gave up on processes and methods. I physically told God I was done- with Him, with the system, with all of it.
Unbeknownst to me, this "giving up" split my world apart. I had FINALLY surrendered! Letting go of the death grip I had had on my own life was all that was needed. Jesus infiltrated my heart, my life and took over completely. I can say, without cheesy motive, I am a new person. My thoughts and ways are no longer my own. He owns me, but there is such beautiful freedom in the ownership. He is my king, my friend, my father, my brother, my heart's passion, my one desire, my everything. I love Him with every fiber of my being.
I wrote the following a few days ago. Transformation is amazing! God is so merciful and gentle and I am learning to recognize His promptings and urgings. He has called me to a place of pure honesty with Him. It's difficult to let go of habits and old mindsets, but it is brutally necessary. He longs to pour into us so we can pour out. Old things must pass away for new life to take residence.
Vessel
I emptied myself today
Of comfort zones and status quos
Of used to it and the way it’s always been
I emptied myself today
Of bitterness and vengeance
Of my way and malcontent
I emptied myself today
Releasing stale breath held too long
Behind lips and under tongue
I emptied myself today
Of acrid recall and dark remembrances
Not to forget but to forgive
I emptied myself today
Without violence or upheaval
Without force of will, without myself
I emptied myself today
My spirit exhaling, unfolding
Accepting, inhaling new oxygen
I emptied myself today
Seeking and finding something beautiful
Gold pressed from adversity by the hands of love
I emptied myself today
Today I emptied myself
Emptied to overflowing
