We Will, We Won't

Toxicity that leads to falling out of love.

Half Life

Letters slip from my tongue forming words I don’t mean

Like children’s alphabet blocks slipping down a worn staircase

I do my best to scoop them back up before you hear, but too late

The damage done, the ground between us rent and smoking

I call out for you at the bottom of my voice, giving most of my all

Anger stiffens your spine, and you taste the bitterness in your mouth

Like a marionette with strings pulled taut and aspirin melting in its throat

You breath comes in stops and starts as you spin around to lash your whip

The sharp sting of the rapier pierces my chest and I see my pain in your eyes

You weep for us with some of your tears, and try again with part of your might

My hand reaches out to grasp what’s left of where and what we used to be

Like a ghostly wind rocking the ancient chair we’ve sat in so many times before

My sanded fingertips barely reach your face before I am weary with the effort

The empty space hangs loosely around us, ill-fitting and cold with distant rain

I believe in you with some of what I have, pouring out a portion of my hope

The night falls quickly as you rise from the ashes and turn away from me

Like a broken doll with despair etched across your shoulder blades

Our hearts snap back within our rib cages guarded and poisoned by our anger

Separately we walk together, up the stairs that carry us to and fro each day

We’ll start again with half our hearts and scream for us at the middle of our lungs

In Time

Love is My Fancy

I imagine you sometimes

Though my practical heart intervenes and it hurts to go on

I pretend you sometimes

Holding my hand, laughing in time, my safety in a crowded room

I believe in you sometimes

And hope through my tears, you’ll come true

I dream you sometimes

Tall enough and strong, dark hair in the wind, eyes sparking mine

I see you sometimes

Coffee, good books and old westerns on rainy Saturdays

I wish for you sometimes

And hope through my doubts you’ll come true

I write you sometimes

As detailed lists of must haves, wants and needs

I sing you sometimes

Begging my voice to reach you and like magic make you appear

I breathe you sometimes

And hope through my fears you’ll come true

I ask for you sometimes

Praying away a loneliness that would steal my heartbeat

I need you sometimes

A partner in this untamed dance, who’s not afraid to practice the steps

I cry for you sometimes

And hope in my heart you’ll come true.

This Too Shall Pass...

Inside Out

I awoke this morning, heart weighed down, a lead balloon

Muscles strangely tensed and sore, strange as I haven’t moved

My mind trembles at the thought of action, even the thought

Breathing is easier cocooned within myself, safe for now

There’s bitter frost on my floor and my feet can’t bear it

I draw them back again, protected, undercover and exposed to nothing

My eyes feel heavy with the need to see a new canvas, brightly lit

My soul cries out for a spark of hunger, a burst of life, unfurled

It’s quiet in here, even when I pretend to sing a make believe song

I hold a small flame that turns my tears into prisms, but the colors are missing

The dark fades briefly and I hope, I hope, for just a moment

But sustaining it abrades the palms of my heart until they’re bruised and raw

My flesh loses track of time but my spirit records each splintered second

I ask again and again and again, now? Is it time now? Let it be now

The silent reply echoes off my walls until my ears ring and I’m deaf with the sound

If I squint I can see a glint of gold, but it’s too far away, and I’m cold with the trying

I sometimes choose the water, covering my head like a blanket, smothering

There’s a strange comfort in the sound of my muffled heartbeat, it’s all I have

A peculiar warmth like the heady rush of red wine, spreading, making no sense

But a hand breaks through this false reverie, shattering, grasping, saving

I am lifted up along the lines of pain, to the end of myself, broken by wholeness

Soaring over my used to be, my feet touch down on solid ground flowing like a river

I raise my face to the caress of an unseen breeze, the color of blood and scented with love

I weep again, dissolving the night and pulling back the veil; I am my Beloved’s. He is mine.

Love: Always Knowing, Always Learning

On and On and On...

Love is the bright match flame

The smile that becomes a belly laugh

Out loud truth spoken honestly

The peace that spreads to your fingertips

Is love

Love is the underfoot crunch of fresh snow

A warm, hazy afternoon, languid and soft

Filling your senses with someone else

The belief that it conquers all

Is love

Love is the knife edge, becoming words, becoming tears

Battling to win, yet not lose the reflection of your heart in their eyes

Embraces that lead to I’m sorry, let’s start again, slowly

The clean dawning of each day, a new chance to do it well

Is love

Love is hanging on fiercely and letting go with care

Dark nights infused with points of the brightest light

Selflessness letting you step in their footprints

The song that sings you both to dance

Is love

Love is William’s fixed mark, his ship guiding star, born eternal

The brand that burns, marking the bone, the balm that heals

Trying and failing, trying again and again so never failing

Our compass, the place we rest our full and weary hearts, our salvation

Is love